Ok all you brilliant moms, sisters, friends. I have a parenting dilemma and I fully admit I'm at a loss to fix it. My beautiful 8 year old Jessi is just hitting all the wrong buttons with me lately. She has decided school is just a pain, her little brother & sisters are annoying, and her Mom is the eternal nag (yes it's me she's talking about, sob, sob). And here's the real kicker - She's mostly right.
Jessi has always hated homework but this year especially (3rd Grade) she has taken to "hiding" it from me. When I clean out her backpack or wash her coat I find 3 or 4 assignments she never finished. When I tell her she needs to complete them she says, "I don't Mom, that's already late work and my teacher doesn't care. Joey never turns in his homework and he's still going to 4th Grade next year." So what do I say to that? She's right you know - why should she do her homework when she doesn't really have to? So she'll get an "O" for outstanding instead of a "S" for satisfactory?
Next paradox - her siblings are annoying. Well so is she . . . sorry, that's not what I'm suppose to say. All Josh & Shelby want is for their older siblings to play with them. They wait all day and run to the door most of the time when they come home. And what do their loving "older" siblings do? "Why do we have to watch this baby show, I don't want to ride my bike around the block with Shelby - she's sooooo slow, Josh get out of my room!" I even made one of their daily chores to be reading a book to Josh or Shelby so at least they would spend a little time with them. Jessi had her friend Whitney over for 4 hours and they built a fort, pretended they were sailors, and watched a movie. How much of that would they let their younger siblings do? Nada. Now I'm the middle child so I was shunned by my older siblings too but I'm sick of it. You play with your younger siblings or else! That's right, buck up older kids or I'm going to make your life miserable . . . sorry, that's not what I'm suppose to say either.
Last Grr moment is that I have become "The Nag." Now they've never actually used that word (or I would get out the soap), but I can see it in Jessi's eyes. We have chore charts for all the kids and each chore is worth 20 cents. There are 5 chores a day which equals a dollar a day/$5 a week. Now Quinn loves money and almost never misses a chore. Jessi will sit at the table and say, "I don't really want money today so I'm not going to do any of my chores." GRR. Theoretically that should be ok right? Except for the fact that I'm just trying to give her allowance to be nice - the chores are not meant to be an option. So I have become the mean Mom who says exactly that, "Your chores are not an option, now get to it."
Jessi is such a bright, energetic kid when she wants to be. It's just like lately she's realizing she doesn't have to obey all the rules. I think part of it is because Quinn tries to be sooo perfect. It's almost like she's saying, "That role is full, I'm going to be the rebel."
So how do I get her to do her homework without any real consequences, how do I get her to play with her siblings without paying her, and how do I teach her a good work ethic without being a nag? Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This mean middle child is drawing a blank.
Jessi has always hated homework but this year especially (3rd Grade) she has taken to "hiding" it from me. When I clean out her backpack or wash her coat I find 3 or 4 assignments she never finished. When I tell her she needs to complete them she says, "I don't Mom, that's already late work and my teacher doesn't care. Joey never turns in his homework and he's still going to 4th Grade next year." So what do I say to that? She's right you know - why should she do her homework when she doesn't really have to? So she'll get an "O" for outstanding instead of a "S" for satisfactory?
Next paradox - her siblings are annoying. Well so is she . . . sorry, that's not what I'm suppose to say. All Josh & Shelby want is for their older siblings to play with them. They wait all day and run to the door most of the time when they come home. And what do their loving "older" siblings do? "Why do we have to watch this baby show, I don't want to ride my bike around the block with Shelby - she's sooooo slow, Josh get out of my room!" I even made one of their daily chores to be reading a book to Josh or Shelby so at least they would spend a little time with them. Jessi had her friend Whitney over for 4 hours and they built a fort, pretended they were sailors, and watched a movie. How much of that would they let their younger siblings do? Nada. Now I'm the middle child so I was shunned by my older siblings too but I'm sick of it. You play with your younger siblings or else! That's right, buck up older kids or I'm going to make your life miserable . . . sorry, that's not what I'm suppose to say either.
Last Grr moment is that I have become "The Nag." Now they've never actually used that word (or I would get out the soap), but I can see it in Jessi's eyes. We have chore charts for all the kids and each chore is worth 20 cents. There are 5 chores a day which equals a dollar a day/$5 a week. Now Quinn loves money and almost never misses a chore. Jessi will sit at the table and say, "I don't really want money today so I'm not going to do any of my chores." GRR. Theoretically that should be ok right? Except for the fact that I'm just trying to give her allowance to be nice - the chores are not meant to be an option. So I have become the mean Mom who says exactly that, "Your chores are not an option, now get to it."
Jessi is such a bright, energetic kid when she wants to be. It's just like lately she's realizing she doesn't have to obey all the rules. I think part of it is because Quinn tries to be sooo perfect. It's almost like she's saying, "That role is full, I'm going to be the rebel."
So how do I get her to do her homework without any real consequences, how do I get her to play with her siblings without paying her, and how do I teach her a good work ethic without being a nag? Any comments or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. This mean middle child is drawing a blank.
6 comments:
hmmm sounds like you are having lots of fun in your house,sorry to hear that, I wish I had advice but since my kids are still in the little phase I don't really. Somethings could be though, that my Mom worked on me, was no playing anything until homework is done after school. I usually make Zach do that, of course he has small amounts of homework, next with chores hmmm don't let her watch shows, have friends over etc if chores are not done, and if she doesn't do it by certain time she loses the money option and you get her money or someone else but she still doesn't get to play until their are done. My kids will do amazing things to watch a show or go somewhere fun usually. As for younger siblings good luck on that one I was the baby that my brothers usually didn't want to play with and I learned to play by myself,sob sob. I hope it all goes well good luck with it all. Ahh kids!!
I was Quinn growing up: I wanted to be perfect. For no other reason then to always be doing exactly what everyone wanted me to be doing. (A people pleaser to the core) So I'd be in your boat - not understanding Jessie's mentality.
However, one thing we have dealt with in our house is not wanting to play with a younger sibling (younger siblings are SO not cool sometimes)Here are my suggestions (things that work for us) #1 - I let there be sometimes when they don't have to play with them. Cooper knows when Kami has a friend over that, although she still has to be nice to him, they don't have to include him in their playing. This works because it goes both ways and Kami doesn't always have friends over.
#2 - Sometimes the ticket is to make the older sibling jealous of all the fun the younger sibling is having. So, when Kameryn can't be bothered to play with Cooper and Landon, I play with Cooper and Landon and wouldn't you know it, 3 minutes later, mom is being kicked out for the far more enjoyable older sister. #3 - Of course, we use the guilt trip on occasion and the "because I said so" as well.
My biggest advice, just tap in to what makes Jessi tick. If it's not fear of failure or a desire to please (like Quinn) then what is it? A thirst for adventure?... I'm not sure, all I know is parenting is a puzzle.
LOVE YOU AND I THINK YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM!!
I was in Jessi's shoes. I'm the middle child and the runt!! TWO reasons my siblings never wanted to play with me. Then Abbi came along and I couldn't get rid of her!! ;) I always ended up playing with myself which worked for me. My suggestion is to NOT force it, because then they resent the sibling and you :/
Most the time when I acted out, and was a BRAT (what...me..a brat??!!) it was because I wanted attention from mom or dad. So maybe take sometime and talk to her about what she wants and needs from you. Then you won't be the "NAG", you become the understanding GREATEST mom EVER in her eyes!!
Which I already think of you that way!! Good luck!
Oops I meant to start by saying I was in your shoes!! Oh man my mind is really going!
I loved reading your post, because that is exactly how it is at our house! :) Most of the time before Ella has a friend over I give her a BIG pep talk. I remind her it is a privledge to have friends over and she can loose that privledge if I feel she's excluding her brothers of sister. I remind her (and the boys) every day who their BEST friends are, and to always treat them as their best friends. And every day is a learning experience for everyone!
Hmmm, well be glad she's going through with playing the part of "the rebel" now. I spent most of my time at home being the pleaser but secretly loathing it. My sister was just like Quinn I think. So I waited to quit pleasing until I was 18 and out of the house. This meant that instead of shunning my 3rd grade homework, I was actually making decisions with BIG consequences and that still haunt me. I wish I would've expressed my frustrations in the safety of my childhood home.
Julie Raben always says children go through 6 month stages, to try new things out in order to see what works in order to have their needs meat. Susie is just coming out of a pretty crabby one. I too was questioning what in the world was going on with my sweet girl.
Good luck. We know she feels loved and safe. We know you teach her how much her Heavenly Father loves her. And so we, your loyal blog followers and friends, know she and you will both come through it well.
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